Planning for the Future, Part 3

The time has come for the unveiling of the final step of my plan: I’d like you to meet Brendan.

Brendan was captain of the football team in high school. He’s athletic, has a brilliant mind, and as you can see, he’s not too hard on the eyes. If someone was looking to start up a family, he’d be the perfect guy to do it with, right? That’s what I thought, and that’s where my plan started.

Unfortunately, things are never as easy as you’d like them to be. As it turns out, Brendan just has no interest whatsoever in spending the rest of his life with me. He just, well, doesn’t swing that way. He’s got plans of his own, and they don’t include being chained to someone of my gender for all eternity.

That’s where the final piece of the plan comes in.  Brendan introduced me to his brother, Joe, a couple years ago. Joe’s not a bad guy, but definitely falls short compared to Brendan. He’s a bit lacking in brain capacity, has a tendency to fart in public, and probably doesn’t bathe much. I’ve never cared for him, and he really hasn’t done much since high school to give me a reason to.

The thing is, he’s got Brendan’s genes. He’s certainly got Brendan’s athleticism, but falls short in personality and brainpower. He does, however, come from excellent breeding stock.

So here’s the plan. I don’t need a life partner to create a legacy for the ages — I just need a child. Joe can give me that, and he’s likely not smart enough to figure out that I’m just using him for his genes. Do I feel guilty about doing that? Yes. But making sure the Archer name continues is far too important to worry about the hurt feelings of one crude, but extremely well-constructed, frat boy.

We’ll have a few drinks, a little fun, and then I’ll cut him loose to live out the rest of his life. He doesn’t have to know what comes of it. It’s really not his business, anyway.

Planning for the Future, Part 2

The plan is moving along. The first goal of several has been achieved. I am now an adult (queue party horns and drop confetti)!

Thanks for photobombing my birthday photo, Don, you perverted old goat.

Why is this step important? I’m really not prepared to say just yet, but trust me, it’s a critical step.

Incidentally, Don was in rare form the night of my birthday party. He may be getting older and grayer, but he still has a talent for attaching himself to a young girl like a horny barnacle.

Here he is checking me out while I was having a conversation with people I actually care about:

And this is me throwing Don a look after he made a joke about me having an “ace in the hole” and then snickered like a 12-year-old.

Just be glad Dad never caught on to what you were doing, Don. You don’t want to know what happened to the last perv who made Dad angry.

Planning for the Future, Part 1

I had a lot of anger when Uncle Travis died. It was my first experience with losing someone I loved, and it hit me very hard. I started wondering what the purpose of life is, when right at the apex of everything you’ve ever worked for, you can be struck down in an instant, and it turns out to be for nothing.

I’ve never been one to wallow, though, so I took that rage and did something with it. For starters, I beat the living hell out of the treadmill Dad keeps in the basement. I’d run on that thing until my body hurt so badly I couldn’t think, and in some ways it helped. Not just with shedding that extra weight I’ve been carrying around since I started my teenage years, but sometimes you just need to stop thinking, and working out did that for me.

I’ve also become quite the coder. I’ve found that burying myself in pure logic in the form of lines upon lines of code is a great escape for me. Figuring out how to make a computer do what I want it to do focuses m mind so sharply that rest of the world just disappears.

Friends have helped, too. Atticus, for example, who you may remember I’ve been mentioning in my posts here since I was a kid, has been a shoulder to cry on, and a voice of reason when I was so upset I can’t couldn’t even think straight. He’s really a terrific friend. Now, don’t get any ideas. He’s just a friend.  A very good one, but that’s the extent of the relationship.

Speaking of relationships, though, Travis’s death did make one thing very clear to me. Family, whether it’s the one you’re born to or the one you draw to you, is what’s important. The things you have and the things you do may or may not go on after you’re gone, but the lives you touch, those go on.

It’s got me thinking of starting my own family. Maybe it’s a fear of being temporary, but there’s this voice inside me telling me that if I want to be sure that my life will have been lived for something that will really last, then I need to start right now to make the the future plays out the way I want it to… in a way that what I do lives on through the generations.

I want to be permanent. And I will be. I’m making sure of it — but I can’t tell you the plan until some of the details are worked out.

How’s that for a cliffhanger ending?

Gone

When Sebastian got home from Dreams today, he sat me down on the couch, and settled in next to me.

“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you,” he said. His eyes were red, like he’d been crying. Yes, this news was going to be bad.

“Travis is gone.”

“Gone where?” I started to ask, then it sunk in. “Oh.” I could feel the tears well up, and I just let them come.

It’s hard to believe. Travis has been one of the constants here on the ranch since I first started coming here. He has come to every party, and helped Artemis with her homework. According to Sebastian, he’s the only reason Dreams even exists. And now, he’s… gone.

I didn’t ask Sebastian how it happened. He was obviously very upset and I didn’t want to make things worse for him. Besides, this was a day we had known was coming. Travis was quite a bit older than Sebastian and I, and in recent years it had really begun to show on him. Still, as much as we knew this day would come, it didn’t make it any easier. I leaned into Sebastian, and let my tears flow into his shoulder.

The memories came flooding back: Sebastian’s misguided jealousy towards Travis when we first met. His role as both best man and maid of honor at our wedding. His joy at the birth of our daughter, and the bond he and Artemis shared.

I felt a pit in my stomach as I realized we were going to have to tell Artemis. She and Travis had been the best of friends almost since the day Artemis was born. Losing Travis is quite possibly going to be harder even on Artemis that it has been on me, and it breaks my heart that we’re going to have to be the bearers of such bad news. But it’s late, and she’s sleeping, and it can wait until morning. Maybe by then my tears will have stopped.

Farewell, Travis. You were a good friend, and a good uncle, and a very good man. You will be missed.

A Very Grand Opening

It’s been a long time coming, but the day I’ve been waiting for… well, forever, has finally arrived.

Today Artemis, Lakeisha and I went downtown and officially opened the doors to Dreams for the very first time, to kick off a Grand Opening party. It was an amazing day… The list of emotions running through me as I opened those doors seems almost endless: excitement, fear, pride… Just a big jumbled mess of feelings. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or jump for joy, and I did all of those at various times during the event.

If the turnout for the first day is any indication, this whole thing just might work out.

I certainly managed to keep busy. All night there was a constant stream of people coming in to see what the place was all about, in addition to fly-bys from investors coming by to check out if their money had been well-spent. I hope all of them were impressed by what we’ve done with the place. I know I love every inch of it, and huge thanks are due to Travis for helping my with the design, and the work involved in demolishing the dump that used to be on this lot and rebuilding it from the ground up into something fun, modern and exciting. I think we succeeded in that. Even Artemis agreed that the place was cool, which is a pretty high compliment coming from a teen who probably understands the concept of cool far better than her old fogy of a dad.

We did have to adjust some of the plans. For example, the landscapers aren’t due to show up until next week, some of the furniture hasn’t arrived yet, and the top floor of the place was supposed to have a couple apartments, but I’ve had some trouble with permits. It seems the town of Oasis Springs frowns on combining residential and commercial space in the same building, so that top floor remains empty while I figure out what to do with the space, and keep pressing the city council for a zoning exception.

Overall, though, I’m very, very happy. Funny, even though I’ve always felt like opening my own place was my ultimate goal in life, now that I’ve done it I feel like I’m just getting started.

A Moment on the Lips…

It’s looking like it won’t be too much longer before Sebastian opens the doors on Dreams. Not that the place even exists yet, but he’s making headway on the financing and it’s really starting to look like that particular dream may just have a chance of becoming a reality.

Since I’ll be running the kitchen, I’ve been trying out a lot of recipes, trying to get them just right. The smells of cooking are always wafting about the house — sometimes really good, and sometimes, when a poorly-thought-out experiment goes awry, not so good.

The end result, though, is that there’s always a lot of food around the house. Unfortunately, it’s very, very tempting to just take a nibble now and then. And then a few more nibbles. Next thing you know, there’s a pile of bones where the roast chicken used to be.

I’m doing a lot more jogging these days in an attempt to counteract the effects of all that food. I’m definitely having some success, too. If you think my hips are a bit wide in that picture, you should have seen them before I started going for my daily runs.

Having a running buddy helps a lot, too. Some days, Artemis runs with me, since she’s also not immune to the siren call of my cooking.

I feel for her. As a teenager, she’s really self-conscious about her weight, and sometimes I feel guilty. I mean, if she’d inherited just her father’s genes, she’d eat all she wanted and never gain an ounce. My genes, on the other hand, are apparently much more Rubenesque.

I know she wants to go on morning runs with me a lot more often than she does, but between her morning job at the coffee shop, her schoolwork, and everything else she’s got going on, the poor girl’s only got so much energy. I just wish the weight didn’t bother her so much.

I know moms are supposed to say things like this, but I think my daughter is beautiful no matter what she weighs. If some teenage boy can’t see past a little extra cushioning to the gorgeous girl inside, I don’t want him anywhere near Artemis anyway.

It’s My Party

Greetings to any and all readers, lurkers, or unfortunate folks who hit “I’m Feeling Lucky” on Google and ended up here. If you’ve come to wish me a happy birthday, thank you. If not, it’s never too late, and it’s also never too late to send gifts. Something heartfelt like a new Playstation 4 would be very thoughtful.

My dad mentioned that, since I’m an actual person now and not a kid any more, there are some new rules about what I can do here. The most important of those is that I’m now subject to the restriction from reading Mom and Dad’s posts… but I suppose the bright side is that they aren’t allowed to read mine, either. I don’t know how Dad’s going to do it. I mean, he’s a dad. It’s his life’s work to know what I’m doing at all times, who I’m with, and when I’ll be home. I can’t imagine he’s not going to want to know everything I do here. He did promise not to do it, though, so for now I’m just going to take him at his word.

Mom and Dad threw a party for me, and it was a blast. Dad put on his best party outfit… those stupid red beach shorts he always wears, and no shirt, as usual. It’s so embarrassing. Did you know he has a closet full of those shorts? Nothing but red beach shorts, the work outfit he wears for special occasions, and a tux. That’s it. The man has no fashion sense whatsoever.

I think half the town showed up for the party… even my old babysitter, Venkat. I hadn’t seen him for a while and when he showed up in those frumpy monk robes, it was a bit of a shock. Turns out he’s joined some religious group that has a commune outside of town, where I suppose they sing and dance and play tambourines all day. It all strikes me as a bit odd, but he seems happy, so good for him, I guess. I did warn him not to drink any Kool-Aid, though. That definitely shook the placid grin off his face. Venkat threw me a glare that… well, if looks could kill, the grim reaper would have been an unexpected guest to the party. After that, though, we both laughed our asses off. Fortunately, Venkat never could stay mad at me for long. He was a great babysitter.

Speaking of babysitting… There’s this guy Don who my dad knows from the gym. He was at the party, too. He’s a bit of a d-bag, if you ask me. He thinks he’s some kind of big-time player, and he was hitting on… well, everything. At one point, I think he was hitting on the cherry tree in the front yard. Just… gross.

Well, at one point, he turned his beady little eyes on me. To be fair, I’m sure he was just being friendly and starting some conversation. It was all very tame, especially by Don’s standards. I mean, hitting on a teenage girl in her own home with her father standing right there would be a move even a bonehead like Don could figure out was a bad idea. Still, Dad was not amused that he was even attempting to speak to me. At one point I thought Dad was going to punch him out, but he managed to stay under control, mostly.

I’m not sure whether I should find the whole thing funny, or be angry that Dad thinks I’ve got so little sense I’d actually pay any attention to a slimy little creep like Don. And, well, look at what he’s wearing. Those shorts. That’s… just…

Ew.

Dreams

There are very few things I’ve done in my life that I’ve been as proud of as the home I’ve provided for my family. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s got a long way to go…  the interior decorating doesn’t quite live up the curb appeal, I’m afraid, but it’s a sturdy home that I’m incredibly happy I’ve been able to build for Lakeisha and Artemis. And me, of course. I’ve never dreamed I could live in a place like this, but here it is, constructed by my own hands. Yes, I’m patting myself on the back, but I think I deserve it.

I did mention there were other things I was proud of, too, in addition to La Casa Del Rancho Arquero. This woman is certainly one of them. What improbable forces had to line up just right in the universe for me to marry such a wonderful woman? Beauty, brains, and a heart as big as both put together… I don’t know how I could possibly deserve her. If I’ve accomplished anything in my life so far, it’s because of her, her love, and her support. And, in case she’s reading this even though she’s explicitly forbidden from doing so, her boobs. Rawr.

Last, but most definitely not least, I’m extremely proud of my daughter, Artemis. She’s creative, popular, playful, athletic, a straight-A student… there is just absolutely nothing this girl can’t do. Truth be told, she’s much more like her mother than she is like me. You don’t get as smart as Artemis with my genes. No way.

I’m blessed; there’s just no other explanation for it. Someone up there looked down on a broke, shirtless bar-back with dreams bigger than his sense and said “Yeah, that guy right there. Give him everything he ever wanted.”

Speaking of which, the plans for the new place are coming along nicely. I’ve been working with Travis on designs. We’re thinking a nice upscale restaurant with an attached bar. Lakeisha can lavish guests with her incredible cooking, I can work the bar, and it’ll be something we can pass down to Artemis when the time comes.

I think I’m going to call it “Dreams.”

There Was a Fire in My Room

Daddy is mad. He said he’s not mad at me because it’s not my fault the science set is a death trap, he’s mad at the company. He says it should be against the law to sell them for kids because they explode.

This is what it looks like when they explode. It was super hot. Now I don’t have any eyebrows but Mommy said they’ll grow back.

When it caught on fire Mommy and Daddy ran to my room and told me to get of my room. Then Mommy started spraying the fire with that thing they keep under the kitchen sink and Daddy started screaming. Daddy said a lot of bad words and I’m not allowed to tell you what they were.

Mommy was very brave and she put out the fire. Daddy wasn’t brave and he screamed bad words while Mommy was putting the fire out. Then Daddy told me to wait out on the sidewalk and they’d come get me when there was no more fire. I could still hear Daddy screaming bad words from outside and when I looked at the window I could see him jumping up and down in his underwear. One of the neighbors came out to see what was going on and he said someone should save that poor woman and I told him it was OK because it was wasn’t a woman it was my Daddy and Mommy was putting the fire out. He said that the fire engines used to come for fires but now they don’t and he doesn’t know why.

I was good and waited outside until Mommy and Daddy came to get me and they said it was OK to go back inside, but now my room smells funny and I can’t play with my science set any more because it’s all burned up so now I’m mad at the company too.

Signed, Artemis Archer

Hi!

HI! I’m Artemis Archer!

Mommy and Daddy got me a computer and they said I could write stuff here too if I wanted to. It looked really fun and I’m getting super good at typing so I bet I can write better ones than they do lol. They have to help me sometimes with the pictures and stuff but they said if I practice I can learn how to do it myself.

This is my room. That’s my computer that I’m using to do this right now and my science set and my pretty princess bed. I mean it’s a pretty bed and I don’t mean I’m a pretty princess but mommy and daddy say I am so maybe I am lol. Mommy says I shouldn’t type lol because it’s not a word.

I love my computer and my science set. I can do lots of things on them like play games and learn typing and do experiments. I think Daddy is scared of the science set because sometimes he says I need to be careful not to burn down the house with it and he says the company should do a recall on it. I try to be careful because I don’t want to burn down my room or my pretty princess bed because I like them a lot and I don’t know what a recall is.

I like the park a lot too. I can go there and play on the monkey bars and the jungle gym and sometimes I just sit and talk with my friends there. Atticus has a purple shirt and Luis has a pink one. Knox likes to wear a hat and his hair is all messed up when he take it off lol. Keri likes to play dolls with me so I always bring one of the dolls daddy gave me, He found them buried under a rock. He put them in bleach before he gave them to me so they smell kind of funny but I like them anyway. My daddy has a lot of dolls. Knox says that’s weird but Knox is mean so I don’t let him play with my dolls. Cannon isn’t in this picture because he couldn’t talk with us because he had homework to do and Peter wasn’t at the park but he has red hair like Keri and he’s super nice.

Mommy is making basketti for dinner so I have to go but I’ll talk to you later.

Signed, Artemis Archer.